For those of you who don’t know me, I like to occasionally lie to complete strangers, professors, and loved ones. The lies are rarely over things that matter or of substance; generally they are about ridiculous things that no one should ever lie about. Like ‘I have a colonoscopy during your cousins baptism,’ or my favorite to the shoe lady at the mall ‘I know these shoes fit me, I don’t have to try them on. I am self conscious about my fake leg being shown anyway’.
Sometimes the lies have come up to bite me right in the ass. Like when I went to the mall and pretended to be deaf, so that I could get close and personal to the attractive retail workers. To their surprise, the next week I came in perfectly capable of hearing them and talking loudly asking for their assistance and picking out something ridiculous to wear. Thank God I am constantly doing something new with my hair and could convince them I had a brother that was almost identical to me. To say I had a twin was unbelievable, and I am not about to get carried away with my lies.
I lie for many reasons, like for enjoyment or to spread love and fun to others. Sometimes I lie out of necessity though, and for survival.
While at school in Fort Wayne my mother called me and casually brought up that she had been interested in remodeling the downstairs. Pure fear came over me, and I felt like a case of explosive diarrhea was soon to follow, not because of fear, but because I had del taco, and it was coming back for vengeance.
“I completely forgot I was going to come home this weekend and visit, I need groceries anyway,” some of this wasn’t a lie. I did need food. I grew tired of eating noodles and chicken nuggets. I wasn’t much of a cook, I burnt instant mashed potatoes twice already, and I wasn’t about to do it again, I didn’t have the heart to ruin another one of my roommates pots.
What my mom didn’t know is on my 18th birthday my best friend Tana and her Mexican slice of flan, Marco, took me to The Lion’s Den, the Wal-Mart of porn shops. While there I had bought several things: penis shaped suckers, two porn DVD’s, a pocket vagina and lips, a dildo, and some gum. The gum wasn’t dirty or anything like that, it was essential. I had a rough night, the night before and I may or may not have forgotten to brush my teeth that day. Obviously I wasn’t going to do much with those sex toys. I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were returned after being used, but I wasn’t about to leave the place without trophies to prove I was there, and accomplished the place.
I had made the trip home that weekend and put all those ridiculous unopened items in a bag and threw them in my front seat before my mom could notice them, what I didn’t realize is that when I threw them in, they had all fell open and exploded over my passenger seat. I shrugged it off, hopped in my car, and continued to drive to school. My windows were tinted more than a black man in an explorer, so I wasn’t too concerned about anyone seeing my hot mess in the seat next to me.
After realizing it was Sunday night, I sometimes forget what day of the week, month, and year it is, I decided to go pedal to the metal so I wouldn’t miss a the new family guy episode. I was bad with commitment, so I decided that I should practice, and force myself to watch the same show every Sunday, I needed to stay loyal to the Griffins, and Meg. I passed a cop, who was unfairly sitting in someone’s driveway with his headlights turned off, and I knew that they that my TV show may be missed.
“SON OF A BITCH!” I yelled as I pulled off to the side of the road, wanting to beat my head against my window, until I became unconscious. I looked at the toys beside me and immediately freaked out. Instinctively I grabbed the pocket vagina, and dildo, the most awkward of the toys, and threw them in the glove compartment, along with the gum. Something about gum being out with porn DVDS and penis suckers seemed weird to me and unfitting.
Because I am so lucky, the cop, not wanting to get hit by traffic, decided to bring his fat ass to the passenger side. I rolled down the window along with my eyes.
“Hi officer, how are we doing?” I said coy, smiling. I had gotten my way out of many things by smiling-and licking my lips, but I had no idea if doing that would be effective yet, after all we had just met, he hadn’t even offered to buy me dinner yet.
“Sir, do you have any idea how-,” he stopped talking, and looked at me with a confused and puzzled face.
Because this wasn’t already awkward enough, one of my many toys decided it would be hilarious to turn on, in the glove compartment, rattling against God knows what else was in there.
“This is so embarrassing,” I began trying to think of something calmly, “I drive with my phone in my glove compartment cause I don’t want to be tempted to check it. My friend was injured from a texting driver.” Naturally I thought I had him, no sane person would lie about something so awful.
“You were driving 10 over the speed limit. What’s the rush? Can I see your license and registration?” He asked me, at this time his flashlight slid down from my face and onto my passenger seat, illuminating the suckers and DVD’s.
“Want one?” Was all I could think of asking him. Realizing he had no idea if I was talking about the DVD’s or the suckers. It was this time I was fairly confident that I was either going to be arrested or heavily frisked. Either way, someone would be touching my genitals either in a cell or on the side of the road. I tilted my head down and pulled out my license and handed it to him. I was put to shame, like an asian violinist who messed up at a concerto competition.
“I need your registration too,” He added, making sure not to look me in the eye.
Shit, he is going to make me open the damn thing. The dildo was still going off, and I thought maybe if I creep it open, I can pull out my registration without him seeing anything. I opened the glove compartment and was feeling around when the door dropped, and out plopped the dildo, in all his glory dancing along the floor, laughing at me.
“OMG WHAT IS THAT!” I yelled as I quickly shut it off and threw it in my back seat. My face was beat red and I didn’t know what to say. The cop looked at me as I handed him the registration-which he didn’t take until he could get a pair of gloves on.
As he was in his car I grabbed my phone and tried to think as quickly as I could, I had to do major damage control, and I wasn’t about to admit I had bought sex toys and was too lame to use them or for that matter, claim them.
The officer was in his car for no more than 5 minutes when he rolled back and walked to the passenger side.
“I apologize about this whole mess,” I began. “I recently came out to my mom’s and they congratulated me with sex toys, they are so crazy! They must have hid those in my glove compartment.”
“Your Mom’s?” He asked confused.
“I have two mom’s I was adopted,” I explained, smiling at him.
“Your registration says Terry and Betty Howell.” He said as he handed it back to me.
“Have you ever met a straight woman named Terry?” I laughed with him as I threw the registration back in, not wanting other toys to come crashing down.
“I am going to give you a warning, you need to slow down,” the Officer harped while handing me my warning slip and license back.
“Thank you officer, have a nice night,” if I were any chipper, rainbows would begin flying out of my ass. I began rolling up my window and the officer knocked before I could roll it all the way up.
“By the way, I bought my wife the same one,” he said while pointing to the backseat, and walked away. I looked in my back seat and sighed. The little vibrator would be thrown away after I got him home. That little fucker can dance his way all the way to the landfill.
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